Evening.
Hello. Hello.
-Hello. -Hello.
-Hello. Hello. -Hello.
-Hello--
Hello. Hello.
Give it to me!
-Eight bucks? -Business is slow.
Get a new business or move out of the neighborhood!
-Come on. -Hey, take that! Pig!
Get your hands off me!
So am l ever gonna get an answer out of you guys?
-Well, sir.... -Well.
-Congratulations, captain. -What is it now, chief?
lt's official.
This is now the worst precinct in the entire city.
Would you look at this? Burglary, up 36 percent.
Armed robbery, up 20 percent.
Vandalism, up 44 percent.
Sir, l think if you'll check, burglary is up 48 percent.
There. You hear that?
-Who are you? -Mauser, sir. M as in ''man'' ...
-...A-U-S as in ''Sam''-- -Shut up and sit down, Mauser.
-He didn't ask for your biography. -E-R, sir.
Look, Hurst, what do you expect?
You cut my budget, you cut my staff. l got nothing to work with.
Look around! These guys are old. They're tired.
They just can't cut it anymore.
Maybe they need a new captain, Lassard.
The mayor wants results. You remember the mayor?
She wants something done about this. What do you propose?
Take your nose out of my business, go to the mayor's office...
...and put it where it usually is.
You have exactly 30 days to turn this precinct around, or you are out.
Do you understand me? Thirty days and that's it!
l need at least a dozen new men.
-You can have six. -Well, thank you!
You better get started.
Excuse me, captain.
Get me the police academy. l wanna speak to my brother.
Sir. Chief.
Sir, if l may be so bold, l would like to apologize...
...for Captain Lassard's remark about your nose being up the mayor's....
Chief, l've got some new ideas on how to run this precinct.
-Oh, l'll bet you do, Mauser. -Long-range plans, sir...
...planning steps, deployment.
See, sir, it's really a question of leadership that works.
Lassard's got 30 days.
lf he should blow it, the job is yours.
l fully understand, sir.
Mauser, you are the most incredible ass-kisser l have ever seen.
Thank you very much, sir. l do my best.
She must be out to lunch. Police academy.
Hello. Eric Lassard, please.
This is Commandant Eric Lassard speaking.
-Eric, this is Pete. -Pete?
-Your brother. -Pete!
How very, very nice of you to call. How's my baby brother?
Just fine, Eric. Actually, not too good.
Oh, what's up?
Eric, l've got a problem here.
Yeah, we all have our little problems.
Yeah, but this one is serious.
l hope you haven't got a girl into trouble.
No. l need to get my hands on some healthy young men.
l guess there are places you could go....
-Certain bars and so on. -Eric, what are you talking about?
Does Margaret know about this?
Eric, l'm in trouble here, and l need some new recruits.
Oh, well, that's easy.
We have some very, very fine young graduates here at the academy.
Come on. Come on. Double time. Double time.
Pick it up. Move it. Move it.
Come on! Move it! Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
Now, Brian, l want you to go straight to class today.
-Why should l? -Because l said so.
-Big deal. -You mind your manners, mister.
-l don't have to, bird face. -That does it. You're in trouble.
Oh, l'm just really scared.
-Can l help you, ma'am? -Yes, officer.
My son Brian is always late for school. Could you speak to him?
-Perhaps give him a little scare? -Certainly, ma'am.
Hi, Brian.
lt's almost 0800 hours. Time to deploy for school.
l'll go when l'm ready.
You're ready now, mister.
Now move it! Move it! Move it!
-Thank you, officer. -No problem, ma'am.
-lt's really no better than television. -l wouldn't know.
l never watch television.
Personally, l don't even own a television.
Hungry, Diane?
For God's sakes, Michael, just take me home.
-Hey, Tim. -Mahoney, what's happening?
-How you doing? -All right!
-Listen, Tim, l got a problem. -What's that?
-There's some guy ripping up my beach. -No!
-Who was it? -You!
-Listen, Tim. Do me a favor. -You got it!
-Get off the beach. -You don't got it!
-Come on, Tim, be a good boy. -No way! Out, guys!
So long, fuzz ball!
Never fool with a fuzz ball.
lt's a real pleasure to welcome you men, and you, to the 1 6th Precinct.
My brother tells me you're among the finest recruits ever to graduate the academy.
The 1 6th serves and protects what was once a great neighborhood.
Unfortunately, a vicious gang has taken over...
...and they're trying to control the streets.
We don't know who they are or where they come from.
We do know that they are scum.
And it is our job to find them and bust them.
You've all received training in the latest techniques in urban law enforcement.
Any of you have any special skills that l should know about?
l just learned to perform an emergency tracheotomy with a steak knife, sir.
So these academy rats are gonna save the precinct, right?
Hey, personally, lieutenant, l hope they fall flat on their asses.
-That could be arranged, you know. -What do you mean?
lf they fail, Lassard's out. That makes me the captain.
lf l'm captain, l'll need a new watch commander.
So?
-So we make sure they fail. -Who?
-The new recruits. -Why?
lf they fail, Lassard is out. l'm in.
l'm gonna need somebody to be the new watch commander.
And you know who that's gonna be.
-Who? -You, dickhead. You.
Oh, good idea.
-Not playing with a full deck, are you? -Oh, l don't play cards.
l want this to be the best damn Crime Suppression Unit in the city.
l want us to stand proud and walk tall.
More than anything...
...l want this to be, well...
...one big family...
...with a bunch of brothers and little sister...
...and one big mother.
Wake up! l am your watch commander.
When you foul up, and you will foul up...
...l'm gonna be there to write up a report.
Three bad reports, and you're suspended.
-What is your name? -Hooks, sir.
-Say that again. -Hooks.
Hooks. Well, Officer Hooks, can l please see your service revolver?
Don't point that gun at me.
-There's no round in the chamber. -l was afraid it might go off.
Oh, heavens to be! lt might go off! That's one for Hooks.
You're on report. See how it works? lt's real simple.
This squad deploys each day at 1 000 hours.
Precisely 1 000 hours.
Since you boys and girls are only rookies...
...you will be assigned a veteran officer...
...who will write up a report.
Okay, read the assignments.
-Fackler! -Yes, sir.
Officer Fackler. The gentleman on your right is Officer Dooley.
A fine man. He's gonna teach you a lot.
-Tackleberry? -Yes, sir, sir!
Officer Tackleberry. You're trained for motorcycle duty?
Yes, sir!
You've got it. Meet Officer Kirkland at the motor pool.
-Thank you, sir! -Well, get going. Yeah! Go, go, go, go.
-Hightower. -Yo!
-Yo? -Yo, sir.
Yo, sir! Must be from the South. lt's, ''Yes, sir.''
You got foot patrol. Okay, that's it.
-Thank you for your patience. -What about me? Don't l get a car?
''What about me, sir? Don't l get a car?''
You don't get a car. You get yourself a nice little desk...
...with a nice little chair, in a nice little office, for your nice little voice.
-Asshole. -That's two.
Chest, 48.
Waist, 44.
-Outseam, 39. -Hey, can l have that giraffe?
No.
l got an idea.
-How's about for a Snickers bar? -You got it.
Thanks.
Overall, 48.
Next.
Please take off your gun belt.
Chest, 37.
Waist, 32. Okay, turn around.
Please be gentle.
Jones, got you figured for an asshole.
l don't take shit from you people. l'm not gonna start.
Don't think, don't talk, don't breathe unless l tell you. Understand?
-Yes, sir. -All right.
We're gonna get along just fine.
-Did you hear that? -No, sir.
Doggone it! We got ourselves a flat tire. Get out and check your side.
Mine's okay. How's yours?
Fine, sir.
There it goes again.
Officer Eugene Tackleberry reporting for duty, sir!
Officer Kathleen Kirkland...
...and l appreciate you not calling me sir.
All right. Mount up, Tackleberry. Let's go.
Oh, this neighborhood ain't so bad.
You know the secret to being a good cop?
You gotta get to know the people.
-Yo, man, you got a match? -Sure. Here. Keep the pack.
-Thank you. -Good. Very good!
That's the idea, son. You gotta build up trust with the people.
Then they'll respect you. Know what l mean?
Give me two of them glazed doughnuts.
l'll have a chocolate.
Excuse me, sir. Officer Carey Mahoney reporting for duty, sir.
Officer Mahoney. lt's nice of you to drop by.
-l missed you earlier. -Had to get a new uniform.
Oh, good. Good. We can't face the public naked, can we?
That's right. Where would we hang our handcuffs?
That's cute. l like an officer with a sense of humor.
l like you too, sir.
l admire a guy who's not ashamed to floss.
You know, sir, oral hygiene is something too many big-city cops overlook.
Oh, good. Good. So you like hygiene, huh?
Then you're gonna like your new partner:
Officer Vinnie Schtulman.
Hello? Hello?
-Hello. -Who is it?
Carey Mahoney, your new partner.
-Come on in. Come on in. -Thanks.
-Make yourself at home. -Alrighty. Alrighty.
-Don't sit in the broken chair. -Right. l got it. l saw it. l saw it.
Would you like breakfast? l got eggs.
l'm fine. l'll get something later. Tetanus shot, maybe.
-This is an excellent place you got here. -Thanks. l decorated it myself.
-Hey! Vinnie Schtulman. -l got peanut butter on my hand.
-l like peanut butter. -Mahoney. Nice to meet you.
Hey, would it be okay if l eat real quick?
-Yeah, go ahead. -Thanks.
Next to lunch and dinner, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Oh, jeez. Bunky.
Bunky, how many times l gotta tell you? The litter box! The litter box!
-You sure you don't want any? -l'm on a diet.
-Want me to lock the door? -No, neighbors might borrow something.
-lt's gonna be great having a new partner. -l was thinking about it--
l hope Lou's not jealous.
Hey. Your pastrami's ready.
Did you put the mayo on that?
You've been quiet. l take it you don't like your assignment.
-That's affirmative. -ls it because l'm a woman?
l decline to answer that question out of respect for your gender.
l'll take care of myself. You just cover your own ass.
That's a nice piece.
l was referring to your side arm.
May l?
Sure.
lt's a Colt Python.
-What kind of load do you use? -1 58-grain semi-wadcutter manstoppers.
Sensible weapon.
l use a factory-accurized Detonics .45 Scoremaster.
lt's got the extended barrel, short hammer fall...
...and l load with 230-grain full patch rounds.
lt's primarily for stopping power.
On the other hand, if you want penetration...
...the .357 will crack the engine block of a truck.
l can see where that would be useful.
All right. Touchdown! All right! Good job!
-Give me another one. -Look at the little football players.
-Hey! We're playing ball. -Come on, punk.
-Give it back. -You want the ball?
-Give me the ball! -Here. Go get it!
-You never seen a football? -Hey! Hey, copper!
Throw me the ball!
Come on, will you throw it back here? Come on! Give it to me!
-This is not such a bad neighborhood. -This is a great neighborhood.
-Yeah? -l grew up here.
-No way. -Yeah.
-Little kid here. -Little Schtulman running around here?
-You were little? -That was me.
We should get Lou out of the truck. He needs exercise.
-We can get him later. -Carey, look at this.
A Nestlé Crunch bar, hardly even been touched.
No wonder. Got ants all over it.
-You're not gonna eat that, are you? -You wanna split it?
No!
No, no, no. What do you want from me? Blood? Get out!
Be cool, old man.
Open the safe. Come on. Hurry up. Open it.
Come on. Open it up.
-lt always does that. -Hurry it up.
There. l got it.
Fizzies.
They don't make them anymore. Remember?
Fizzies?
Cops!
Stay down, or you're dead.
-Schtulman, you see a gun? -l saw a gun.
That's an armed robbery.
-Unit M-1 5 to base. -This is base.
We've got a 21 1 at 302 Caroline Street. Please advise.
-M-1 , did you read that? -1 0-4. Tell them to move in.
-Shouldn't they wait for backup? -No, they don't need a backup.
-Do you need a hearing aid? -Move in, M-1 5.
1 0-4.
Come on. Let's go.
Follow me and stay low.
Are you in here?
Vinnie, if they are in here, they're not gonna tell us.
Now, cover me.
-Fackler! -Mahoney!
Fackler!
Tackleberry! Hold your fire!
Mahoney?
Officer Hightower.
-You met Mr. Sweetchuck, l presume? -Mr. Sweetchuck, l'm so sorry.
My store! My store!
We all got here at the same time.
We didn't know that we were--
Gentlemen...
...you've really outdone yourselves, haven't you?
''Said officers did then discharge their weapons...
...with flagrant disregard for public safety...
...causing to be expended some 1 200 rounds of ammunition.
Total damage to the shop: $ 76,81 3.''
Well, l know that you must be furious.
ln all my years as a police officer, l have never seen such gross negligence.
-You men have anything to say? -Sir, may l speak?
Captain Lassard, your brother taught us many fine things at the academy.
He taught us that a cop can never care too much or try too hard.
l don't know, sir. That's exactly what we did.
-Perhaps we were a bit overzealous. -Overzealous?
That's 1 200 rounds. $ 76,81 3.
lf caring is a crime and trying is a felony...
...l guess we're all gonna plead guilty.
Mauser, Mahoney is right.
lf your men tried as hard as these officers, we'd gave this gang licked in no time.
Good work, men. Keep it up.
See you at the gym.
Attention! l need beer up here. Now!
Okay, look for specials now! Come on! Shop, everybody!
-Shop! Shop! -Safety first!
Come on! Yeah! Go for it!
What are you, a nut? l'm a vegetarian!
Fruit Loops. They're mine!
Guys! Guys! Come on! Stop, man! Act your age!
Bye, now.
Thank you very much. l found a lot of really, really nice bargains here.
Excuse me, sir, you forgot your stamps!
Gentlemen, l'd like to propose a toast.
To Lieutenant Mauser. No, no, no--
-Biggest putz of the precinct. -All right.
Mahoney!
Get me another beer, will you?
-ls he in trouble? -Good question.
-Tack, what's up? -l need to speak to you, Mahoney.
-Okay. What? -lt's of a personal nature.
Oh, all right. All right. All right.
Let me buy you a drink, all right?
Art, can l have a beer and milk with ice. Right?
-Okay. How about a shot? -Yeah, that'll be fine.
So, what's up, Tack?
lt's Kirkland. My partner.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're a lucky guy. She's a fox.
-That's affirmative. -Oh, yeah.
With regards to Kirkland....
Something you need?
With regards to Kirkland....
-What? -Well, l....
-l think l'm.... -You think what?
-Well, l might.... -Tack, what? Spell it out.
Lincoln, Ocean, Victor, Edward.
Love? Eugene, you're in love! You little devil!
You're in love. That's great!
Let's keep this 1 0-35, okay?
Of course, of course. Between you and me.
You and Kirkland? So she have the hots for you too?
l don't know.
l'm inexperienced in matters of a romantic nature.
Tack, you've been with women before.
-Well, l-- -You've had one woman before.
-Well, not really. -Come on. l've seen you walking with girls.
To be precise--
You're 28 years old. You're a man of the world--
Mahoney, l'm a virgin!
Go about your business, or l'll crack some heads!
-Proctor! -Oh, lieutenant, l was looking for you.
l have the pictures of the fruits drunk at the bar, like you asked.
The composition's a little off, but, sir, you can clearly see those fruits are drunk.
Who asked for fruits drunk at a bar? l asked for new recruits drunk at the bar.
Recruits?
Lieutenant, l majored in art. l could put a uniform on this guy.
-lt would look like Hightower. -What are you, losing it?
Just get me Mahoney.
-Should l save these? -Get me Mahoney!
Look at this, look at this. l got nothing here, l got nothing.
-Tack, would you mind? l got a life. -Mahoney!
Lieutenant Mauser wants to see you. Pronto!
Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
You wanted to see me, sir?
Didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
lt depends. Sir, l hope this isn't gonna be too personal.
l heard what you said about my little butt.
l don't know how to break this to you, but l'm straight.
You know, you're very funny, you know that, Mahoney?
Every year, we get a rookie who thinks he's a comedian.
Well, Mr. Comedian...
...see if you think this is funny.
lt's your new assignment.
What are we supposed to be doing here?
ln case somebody's car stops...
...we save them from carbon monoxide poisoning.
Who's gonna save us?
l guess it can get kind of boring, huh?
Hey, Lou! Lou, wanna play catch? Here!
Go get it. Go get it, Lou.
Lou!
Yeah. Good catch, Lou.
Excuse me?
-Could l use your restroom, please? -You buying gas?
No.
Then pee somewheres else.
Look, this is a police emergency.
Okay. Take the key.
Hey, don't run away with that.
The key to forming a successful citizen's watch group is communication.
l want you to think of this precinct...
...as the hub of a miniature communications network...
...stretching from each of your homes to every officer, on duty and very dirty.
-Lou, let's get something to eat. -Anybody got any aspirin?
l've got a headache that's not gonna quit.
Oh, well, look at this, here. lt's the Jones Boys.
Holy mackerel there, Mahoney.
What did you do, suck up a bus?
Lou, you don't like me, and l'm not crazy about you.
Schtulman, you keep him away from me.
l'll be in the shower if you need me.
Hey, Mahoney, do me a favor.
Keep shaking this stuff so l can fix my helmet.
-What did you do, crack it? -Yeah, l gotta put that on it.
-Some sort of a glue? -lt's epoxy resin.
-You mean, when it hardens, it-- -lt turns into plastic.
-How long does it take? -A few seconds.
-How long does it last? -A few years.
Hey.
Hey!
Hey! Wait a minute!
My hand got stuck to my head! Hey, who's fooling around?
What the fuck? Okay.
Okay. Let's not fool around, fellas.
lt's me, and l'm not kidding around.
l want someone to take this out of my hair! ls that you, Schtulman?
l'm not kidding around! Now, give me a hand.
That ain't funny. That's very childish. All right, cut it out!
You're acting like children. Children!
Now, somebody, just pull my hands out off my head now!
Who's in here?
Who's that? Who's that? l'll remember that voice.
lf l remember that voice, you guys are dead.
Dead! D-E-A-D! Dead! ls somebody here?
Okay, who is this?
All right, Lou. Oh, come on, Lou.
No, Lou, don't bite me there. Lou.
Lou. Please, Lou.
Lou, please. Lou.
Oh, no. Oh, no, Lou. Lou. Good dog, Lou.
Oh, no! Oh, no, Lou! No, Lou!
All right. Open that door now!
Hey, you. l'm not kidding here!
Well....
What's the matter, you never saw a man wash his hair before?
Captain Lassard.
l'll be in my room if you need me.
Proctor!
-Oh, this is gonna be just fine. -Yeah?
Wait, one snip here. Let me get by the thumb.
-Yeah? -Oh, that's-- That looks very natural.
-Looks okay? -lt's very, very good.
l don't think you'll be able to tell the difference.
l'll bet you anything it was Mahoney responsible for this.
After l'm through, just let me shape this a little bit...
...and l think you're gonna really be happy with what we've got here.
-Yeah? Let me see it. -Sure.
Okay.
Just look at it in the back here. Look at it over here.
Could l have the mirror, please?
Sure.
Lieutenant?
Sir?
No, no, no. We'll get a wig.
Have you seen the state-of-the-art in wigs today, sir?
What the hell are you talking about?
What am l gonna do about this?
-Hey, what you doing? -Leave me alone, lady, please?
Well....
This is just what l've been looking for.
-l'm not afraid of you punks. -Come on, man. Come on!
-Right here. -Where are you going?
-l ain't going nowhere. -Come on, l'll take you all on.
Come on, l want you. l'm not afraid of a wallet thief.
-Now it's just you and me. -You and me.
Okay, come on. Come on.
Come on. l'm tired of talking to you, punk.
l wanna dance. l wanna get my hands on you.
Yeah. You ready to talk to me now? Come on. Show me.
Teach me.
Okay, one at a time. Put me down!
-Come on, put me down. -Oh, we'll put you down, all right.
At this point in time...
...yours truly was the object of a malicious prank.
Now...
...can anybody in here tell me how this happened?
l can, sir. And if you don't stop that, you could go blind.
You think that's funny, don't you, Mahoney?
Well, you're on report. Put him on report.
We are not gonna leave this room until we find out what happened.
-What happened? -What's going on here?
Nothing. l was just reprimanding the men.
-To hell with your reprimands. -You don't understand.
-Shut up, l have something to say. -Would you take a look at my hands?
l think that's a matter of personal hygiene. l am talking about public safety.
Now listen up, everybody. This is serious.
We've gotta do something.
This is war! Now, we didn't start it...
...but we are going to finish it.
l don't care if we work time and a half...
...l don't care if we have to work double time...
...but mark my words, we are gonna nail these punks, starting now!
-We can get them! -Yeah!
Let's kick ass!
-Freeze! -Freeze!
Cuff them.
l can't. l forgot my cuffs. They're on the bike.
No problem.
Hey, hey. Excuse me. l hate to interrupt, but can l go to the wedding?
l mean, l've got a gift. Look. Remote. Huh?
Excuse me.
-l don't think you should be doing that. -What you gonna do about it?
-l have to arrest you or something. -You don't wanna use that.
Look, l'm serious. That's my--
Oh, l'm sorry.
Oh, l didn't know--
-Zed don't like when you miss payments. -You're late.
Hey!
That's my greengrocer.
Walk your beat, cop.
-He thinks he's Bruce Lee. -You wanna bet?
Damn you.
Wanna fight, huh?
Fight me!
He's very good.
l like this.
Oh! Not on broccoli!
Oh! Not on cauliflower!
-Hey, hey. -Sweetchuck!
Where you going, man?
Come on, mother.
Come on! Come on back here, man!
-Come on, he ran in here! -We got him surrounded!
Hey.
Right. Okay, okay. We'll be right there.
There's a huge fight at the Blue Oyster Bar. Should we send the SWAT team?
No. You send Mahoney in.
M-1 5, a 41 5 in progress at the Blue Oyster Bar.
-Blue Oyster? -l'll get the address. Wait a minute.
-The Blue Oyster Bar is-- -621 Cowan Avenue.
l'm going in.
Coming out!
Hey, Hightower.
Looks pretty bad in there.
l'm going in.
Oh, no, no, no. Hightower, don't go in there.
He's gonna get himself killed. Hightower!
Put these in the truck. l'll be right back.
He'll be right back.
You have the right to remain silent. The right to a court-appointed attorney.
You have the right to sing the blues. You have the right to cable TV.
You have the right to sublet.
You have the right to paint the walls. No loud colors.
Hightower. Thanks a lot, man.
Anytime.
Y'all be good, now.
Excuse me. Could l have your signature for this?
-Sure. What do you got? -Authorization for a body cavity search.
Listen, each and every one of you men, and you too, of course...
...deserve real congratulations.
That's a damn fine piece of police work. Really.
l think you'll feel the difference today.
The whole neighborhood is excited about this.
Really. Proctor!
l tell you, when this watch is over...
...we'll go to the Club & Cuff. Drinks on me.
Captain, Chief Hurst is on the phone.
-We'll leave you alone, sir. -No, no, no. This is for you too, huh?
Lassard.
Yes, sir.
Forty-two arrests, sir. Yes.
Well, l told you these young recruits could take care of the job, sir.
Here comes Mauser with more good news. Can you hold on?
l'm afraid we had to drop most of the charges.
lt appears we had to drop most of the charges?
lmproper arrest procedures.
-Unnecessary use of force, sir. -''Unnecessary use of force''?
We had to release the prisoners.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Will there be anything else?
No, l just wanna be alone.
Unnecessary use of force?!
What are they talking about? How are they supposed to do the job?
Mahoney.
Mauser...
...l know what you're doing.
Then you better be nice to me, huh? Because l'm gonna be in charge here soon.
Yeah, l'll get to that later.
l'm all right.
l'm trying.
Tack!
Tack, why all dressed up? You look great.
-l got a date with Kirkland. -You little--
Your first date, huh? Good going, good going.
-What you got there, cologne? -No. lt's gun oil.
-Where's Mahoney? -Here.
Hey, Mahoney? Somebody here to see you.
-You Mahoney? -Yeah.
-l'm here for the BCS. -BCS?
-Body cavity search. -Oh, right, right, right.
Where is he?
Everybody out.
Let's get out of here.
What are you doing? Wait a minute!
-Shut him up. -What are you doing?
Now, just relax, and we'll get along fine.
We'll talk later.
Hello, Tackleberry.
Kirkland.
You look very nice.
Permit me to respond in kind.
l've never seen you in civilian attire before.
-Disappointed? -Oh, negative.
-And you? -Oh, no.
Well, almost 1 900 hours. Guess we better go.
Right.
Here.
What's this?
They're ear cuffs. l had them made just for you.
Gift.
Good night, Tackleberry.
Good night, Kirkland.
-Tackleberry? -Yes?
l love you.
Ditto.
-Oh, Eugene. -Oh, Kathleen.
Eugene.
Oh, Eugene!
Good evening.
Oh, excuse, please.
Happy birthday, Pete.
lt's not my birthday, Eric.
ls all that crap necessary?
-You seem a little edgy, Pete. -No, l'm fine.
You want chopstick or fork?
How are things at work?
Awful.
lf l don't do something quick, l'm out of a job.
They're saying l'm too old.
They're saying l'm losing it.
They're saying that l'm paranoid.
They're all out to get me, Eric.
Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Try to relax.
l'm sorry. lt's just the strain, that's all.
You stupid bastard!
Excuse me.
Why are you doing this to me?
-Who? -You!
And those rookies you sent me.
All they can do is screw up.
Now the neighborhood is turning against us. They're coming at me from all directions.
That would be normal.
Why don't you do something?
-Like what? -Well...
...something to reassure the neighborhood.
A special show of police involvement for the neighborhood.
A street fair.
Eric, that's a brilliant idea.
What's a big brother for?
-This fish is boiling. -Oh, you want stir-fry?
Step right up! lt's so simple even a quarterback can do it.
-You look like a quarterback. -Me?
-Yeah. -Could you hold this?
l'll hold your cotton candy. Come on.
l know you can do it. Come on.
Get it up on your shoulder.
Thank you, Mrs. Mayor.
Now, this broom is just a symbol of the new spirit...
...that's sweeping across our neighborhood.
And so, Mrs. Mayor, perhaps you'll join with me...
...in sweeping the crime off our streets for good.
-What's going on here? -Cops are having a fair.
-What for? -They're trying to raise money...
...to clean up the neighborhood.
That's awful nice of them.
Are they gonna have games and prizes and rides?
Yeah!
-Are they gonna have a Ferris wheel? -They got a big one.
l hate Ferris wheels!
l got a bad stomach. They make me sick.
-You don't have to ride on it. -No!
-Well, l'll go on it if you go on with me. -Okay.
Let's go have some fun.
lt's mayhem.
-Hi, are you the mayor? -Yes. Yes, l am.
-l voted for you. -Oh, that was very nice of you.
-l know when l'm whipped. -Sir, that's not like you.
-Who's taking over? Don't tell me. -Mahoney.
Captain Mauser wants to see you in the squad room. Now.
From this moment on, l am the de facto commander of this precinct.
My name is Captain Mauser. Captain.
On Thursday last...
...yours truly was the object of a disgusting personal attack.
And l would like to have some names.
Just some names.
Okay.
Have it your way. But l will suspend every single one of you!
Sir.
l did it.
Mahoney.
Mahoney?
-What kind of clown do you think l am? -A juggling clown?
-You're suspended. lndefinitely! Sit down! -You can't do that.
-You suspend him, you suspend me. -My pleasure.
Sit down, smelly.
We don't know where they come from, where they hide out.
We don't even know who their leader is.
-God, would l like to nail that bunch. -l would love to get my job back.
l say we do what Baretta would do.
Baretta?
-What? -Go undercover.
lnfiltrate the gang. Get their confidence.
-Schtulman. -You think you could do that?
No.
But he could.
-He's right. -No.
You're young enough.
Hell, you even look like one of the little creeps.
-He's talking about a television show. -Mahoney, here's the deal.
Now, l can't pay you a salary, can't even give you expenses.
lf you get yourself in a jam, l might not be able to bail you out.
-Could be dangerous. -You could get killed.
He's right.
Sounds awfully tempting.
Get out of there! He'll call you back!
l said, he'll call you back!
Hey, man! Hey, man, what you doing?
-Nothing. -Why'd you mess up the phone?
l felt like it. Don't sit so close!
-l'm Flacko. This is my man Mojo. -What do they call you, man?
-Jughead! Jughead! -Me and Mojo, we're with the Scullions.
-Who do you run with? -The Archies. The Archies.
-l ain't never heard of no Archies. -Used to be the Fudpuckers.
-Oh, yeah. l think l know some Fudpuckers. -Don't press your luck!
-Hey, you should be with us. -Oh, yeah? Why?
-Because we the baddest. -You the baddest.
-How do l get to be a Scallion? -Scullion, not Scallion.
What's the difference? You're lucky you're sitting with me.
Don't worry, man. We get you in.
Here comes the Man. Watch your feet, he's gonna run them over.
Well, my, my.
Hello, there. What are you boys up to, huh?
Know anything about destruction of property?
-Man, we ain't done nothing. -Oh, you ain't? Oh, my, look at that.
Put them against the wall. You too, chico. Come on, get over there! Spread your legs!
Come on!
What do you think you're doing? Come on! Spread them!
Don't move! Don't move! Shut up! Get out of the car.
Come over here. Toss out your gun. Now we're gonna have a little fun.
Know what l mean? A little fun. Now you spread them. You spread them.
Now kick him. Yeah, kick him.
You like that? Kick him again. And harder.
-You're crazy. -You like that? Hold it, hold it. Hey, Jones.
That's it, that's it, that's it. All right. Now get away from the car.
Get away from the car.
Who's this guy? This guy giving us lip? Maybe we should give him a little lip.
You like that? How about some more?
Hey, get out of here. Get out of here.
Hope you're all right, sir. What do you think?
Beautiful, baby.
-There's the little girl. Come on, June. -This is my big little brother Bud.
-Hi, Mom. -Hi, Bud.
-Hi, little girl. -Oh, Daddy!
-So you're gonna leave Daddy, huh? -This is Eugene.
Hi, Tackleberry.
-Good grip. -l better check the roast.
Yeah, check the roast, sweetheart!
Hey, come on. Sit down.
My little girl here tells me that you're into self-defense.
-That's quite correct, sir. -Yeah, well...
...l was in the South Pacific back in '44, in the Seabees.
Daddy was middleweight champion in the Seabees.
l used to be pretty good at boxing, but my boy is pretty good too.
He was on the high school championship team.
-But l can still take him, right? -l don't know, Dad. Take it easy.
-Come on! -l don't think so, Dad.
Come on. Come on.
-Oh, you all right, Dad? -Hey, pretty good, huh?
-l'm sorry, kid, huh? lt's all right, huh? -lt's all right.
Good!
-Are you all right? -Good, huh? That was....
You boys stop that foolishness and come to the table. Dinner's ready!
When these two start at it, they're just a couple of kids.
What do you say? Go have some chow, huh?
Aren't they sweet?
Captain, if you could tape this on him as high as you can.
-Where did you get this thing? -l built it.
-Why does it say ''Mr. Microphone''? -lt's okay. l made a few modifications.
All right, okay. Sir! Sir, it's a little tight.
Sorry. Okay, hold on.
Now, look. Tonight, they're taking me to meet the leader of the gang, the head guy.
That's good. As long as this is on, we'll hear every word, right?
-Right. -Do me a favor, and yourself.
Just try to drop a hint now and then as to where you are...
...so we can sort of keep track of you, okay?
-Sir? -Yeah.
-You sure this is gonna work? -Will you stop worrying?
Mumphrey swings. And it's a home run!
Does that every once in a while. Just give it a tap.
-Hey! -All right.
All right. Hey, it's your shot. Sorry.
-Hey, hey, great car. Where'd you buy it? -Get in.
-All right. -ln the back.
-Come on, let's go.
-Hey, man, it's hot. Take off your coat. -No, no, no. l'm fine. l'm fine.
-I like hot. -Damn. Damn!
-Where we going? -That's for me to know and you to find out.
Right, right. I guess Flacko's right. Right.
-Wait until you meet Zed. -Zed?
-Yeah, he's the man. -He's bad.
Hey, he's the best.
-Mahoney, talk to me. -Sir, he can't hear you.
l know that, Schtulman.
Hey, are we going south? Because l got a lot of enemies down South.
Yeah, man. Yeah, man.
I like it, man. I like it. I don't know where I am. I like it.
Yo, we got a friend. A friend.
All right, all right.
l like it. l like it. You know what l mean? l like it. All right.
-What is this place? -Used to be where they kept the bears.
Oh, yeah? Well, where are the bears?
Yeah, right. Bears. Maybe l should go home, get something to eat.
Oh, hi, fella. Hi, nice to see you. Nice shades. Nice shades.
Oh, nice bridge. Little shaky.
Hey, l like this place. l really like it.
-He's home. -Yeah, home. l like it, l like it.
Lot of big steps, lot of graffiti on the wall. A cavelike atmosphere.
Just like The Flintstones. Where's Fred and Wilma?
-He's cool. -Where you been all my life?
Don't get fresh. Maybe later.
l'm in trouble.
What a place! Looks like a flea market. l went shopping yesterday.
We got the same barber. You get a headache from that?
You'll be awfully lonely sleeping without Mrs. Beasley.
-I know. -Zed?
-l'm watching Family Affair. -Zed.
lt's a rerun. What do you want?
-l think he'd be a good Scullion. -You don't think, Flacko. You ask!
-You got a name? What do they call you? -Jughead.
Jughead. My mother's name was Jughead.
-Well, l've been thinking of changing it. -Why? lt's a good American name.
As such!
Right, right, right. Yeah, nice place. Great place.
Thank you very much. l had a woman who used to come in here about once a week...
...but l had to fire her. lt didn't pan out.
-Oh, really? l might know someone. -Shut up!
-l don't know anyone. Not a person. -What are you so nervous about?
l don't know. l don't know. l don't know. The place weirds me out.
-It smells like animals. -They took him to my place?
-Where are we? -The old zoo.
The old zoo!
The old zoo. The old-- Not the new zoo, but the old zoo.
You have a cigarette? Some smokes?
-The old zoo. -The old zoo?
-l never even saw the new zoo. -Well, now's your chance, Schtulman.
Lou may love it. lt'll be like a new home. Turn the wheel!
What about a light? What about some little fire?
You shouldn't smoke. lt's bad for your health.
-Think l'll quit. -Sunday, Sunday at Raceway Park.
-Dragsters-- -You're wired!
-You're a cop. -No, no, no. l'm a singer.
You're a cop.
And you're an ugly cop.
Attention all units. Attention all units. We've got a 997 at the old zoo.
-997? -We've got a 997 at the old zoo.
A 997 at the old zoo. Mahoney needs help.
Step on it, please. Not you, Lou!
All units. We have a 997 at the old abandoned zoo!
-What are you doing? -l was calling for assistance.
-Mahoney's in trouble. -Mahoney is suspended.
You will do nothing of the kind.
Hurry! Hurry! Mahoney's in trouble!
-Mahoney! -Let's go!
-What's up? -Mahoney's in trouble.
-Let me drive. -Will you get in!
Hey! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
-Don't make me flare my nostrils! -Excuse me, Zed. Look, relax.
You gotta calm down. You gotta breathe with me.
-One, two, three. -l'm getting too much caffeine.
-Yeah, l know. l'm gonna go now. -l ought to kill you!
-Hightower. -Yes, sir?
l want you and Jones to cross that bridge.
Wait outside this entrance until you hear my signal. Get going.
No going.
Well, well, well.
lf it isn't the former captain...
...Pete Lassard.
-What the hell do you think you're doing? -l'm making a plan of attack.
Now, there's an air vent on top of that cave. l'll be going in through there.
Like hell you are. l'm in charge here.
-Fackler. -Yes, sir.
-You'll come with me. -Where?
To the air vent.
Captain Mauser.
-We're gonna do this my way. -l'm not gonna move my elbow.
-l don't need that. l need that. -Get out of here!
Wanna trade?
Okay, up you go, sir.
-Get your hand out of my ass! -Sorry, sorry.
-Mauser! Mauser! -Captain Mauser. Come on.
Sorry.
-What is this place? -Bear cave.
-Come on. -Oh, drawbridge.
-What's that? -Rats.
-Rats? -Rats.
Good idea. You stay here, cover the outside.
Be right back. l hope.
Wait, wait, wait! Blow out the candle.
-Wait a minute! -Wow.
Get back!
Sorry, l'm nervous. What?
Wrap it around your waist. Make a double slipknot like this.
-l'm gonna lower you down real gently. -Me?
No, your mother.
-Let me show you what to do. Fackler! -Oh, no!
Oh, shit!
-Stop this thing! -What it is, baby! Everybody's under arrest!
-They've arrived. -Get me out of here! Fackler!
Get me out of here! Oh, God!
-Now, Zed, you're being reasonable. -l hate reasonable!
Schtulman, it's me!
This is the police department.
Throw down your weapons, put up your hands and come out of this cave.
-Hi, boys. -Whoa.
But, sir-- No!
-Zed, come on, let's talk. -l'm not in the mood!
-Drop the gun. -l'm in the mood.
-So where are you from? -Drop the gun, punk!
You won't shoot! You don't have any guts!
Three more seconds, you don't have any brains.
-l do so have brains. -Sir, three seconds is up.
l'm on about two and a half!
Drop it.
-Good job, sir! -Thanks, Mahoney. Pick up the gun.
That didn't hurt.
-That hurt! -Don't move, dirtbag!
Where you been, Hooks?
Sir, that was beautiful.
Haven't carried live ammo since '73.
Welcome back, captain.
Proctor!
One. Two.
Tack. Now, you be a good boy tonight.
You guys.
All right, boys. At ease.
Thanks. Okay, one more. Oh, excuse me.
-Hi, commandant. -Mahoney, how are you?
-Pretty good. -We've missed you.
-Thanks. -Not that much.
-Bye! -Bye-bye!
Bye!